Monday, August 25, 2008

Cleaning house...

It's not a euphemism. I'm working long days now, usually six days a week (because politics never sleeps), and after about five weeks of it my house looks like a deranged pack of 16-year-olds have been camping out for Spring Break weekend (without the empty beer bottles and vomit). Disarray rules. It got so bad last week I didn't want to go home one night so I spent almost an hour killing time at Whole Foods (if you know how much I hate grocery shopping, you'll understand) in order to avoid my messy home. I realized if I go straight to the back bedroom without turning on the living room lights, I don't notice it as much. Except for the pile of clothes on the bathroom floor and the fist-sized dust bunnies in my bedroom.

I am gross.

So I broke down on Sunday morning, went to my friendly neighborhood Food Lion, and bought a cartful of cleaning supplies. I bought anything that looked like it would clean something. The woman at the checkout said, "so, you're cleaning house today?" I said, "No, I just like to have an entire aisle of products in my house in case I ever feel like cleaning." Ha. I really just said, "mmm hmmm" and tried not to look her in the eye. She scanned my product after product, at one point holding up a bottle and asking, "did you know you have three kinds of bathroom cleanser?"

OK, so I'm not an expert on cleaning products. Also, there are hundreds of them. And they all look like they do something. Better safe than sorry, right? I just told her that I'm not used to deep cleaning (as my former roommate would say, I'm a "surface cleaner"). The checkout lady asked me flat out if I had a housekeeper. Still not looking her in the eye, I said, "used to." She laughed her ASS off. Seriously, she was scanning and bagging and laughing right in my face. The laugh sounded something like: "spoiled brat isn't used to cleaning up after herself and it serves her right for bein' spoiled so I'm going to go ahead and ring the hell up her $75 worth of cleaning products and bag them and send her ass on her way because she is STUPID and I hope she has fun sticking her hand into a toilet bowl." I might have been reading a little much into it, but I swear that's what it sounded like.

However, she did give me a fine tip before I departed with my bags: "Don't use that bleach on hardwood floors, now!"

I spent hours cleaning and am now well-acquainted with Swiffer, Mr. Clean, Kaboom, Lysol Tub & Tile, Clorox spray with bleach, Greased Lightning, Oxyclean, Lysol floor cleaner, Murphy's Wood Oil Soap, fizzy toilet bowl spray, fizzy shower spray, vacuum cleaner belts and bags, Febreze dusting polish, and some kind of "all surface" cleaner that smells like lavender. Note: "all-surface" does not mean all surface. This should not be used on electronic items. Also, you shouldn't use more than one product on your shower and tub unless you want to wake up on the floor with a headache three hours later. And there's my wisdom for the day.

Today, I get to go home to a clean house. I no longer have to worry that I will wake up to a dust bunny uprising and mutiny. I can find the book I was reading instead of giving up and starting a new one. Today is a good day.


  1. Reading this post made me laugh out loud. And also realize how much I friggin miss you. Waaaaah.

  2. I'm glad my tidiness deficiency makes you laugh! :)

    I friggin miss you too!

  3. God I am embarrassed for you. I'm getting you Molly Maid for your birthday.

  4. When we were kids, we used to dump all of my grandmother's 155 different cleaners into the toilet bowl, hoping to create an explosion. Good luck!

  5. I'm embarrassed for me too. And I would love Molly Maid for my birthday!

    Jenny - a friend called to tell me that what I "made" in the tub was chlorine gas, or what happens when you mix ammonia and bleach. You're lucky you didn't explode grandma's toilet!

  6. Can you come to my house? And bring your cleaning products? Sounds like you did a great job!

  7. The only arguments we have in my house is over cleaning. It's a battle of the wills to see who's going to cave first and wash the nasty, toppling pile of dishes or put away the pile of laundry that has been sitting on the kitchen table for weeks (yes, weeks, not days). I always cave. LOVE this post!


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