Monday, November 06, 2006

If I had a million dollars...

* I’d have three or four more Himalayan cats and a cat nanny (a “canny”).
* I would also have some flat-faced dogs and a dog nanny (a “danny”).
* I would have a home in Connecticut where I have dinner parties and keep horses (they too would have a nanny - a “hanny”).
* I would spend an entire weekend, maybe even a week, shopping online. I would buy every single thing on every single wish list I have, even if I didn’t really want it anymore.
* Then I would feel guilty for having a lot of stuff and donate a bunch of money to charity.
* I would worry about how much of the money I donated was actually used to help the starving and uneducated, so I would feel compelled to start my own trust to be allocated directly where it will help the most.
* I’d hire an accountant because I hate to pay bills even if I have lots of money.
* I would marry a stay-at-home-dad so he could take care of my adopted gay teenagers (I’ve always thought I’d like to adopt gay teenagers whose families rejected them because they were gay).
* I’d buy a rink and start my own roller derby team so I could be a Roller Derby star.

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
(Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones)
And If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love.

~Barenaked Ladies


  1. See. This is why I'm boring. If I had a million dollars, I'd put it in a savings account, quit my job and live off the interest.

    And thanks ever so much for getting the Barenaked Ladies back in my head. (Jason didn't believe me that it was a real song at one point in time.)

    I make up my own lyrics though. "If I had a million Thorby's, I'd need a million litter boxes."

    I'm going to go take a nap now.

    Or maybe buy you a K-car, yes a nice reliant automobile.

  2. What's sad is that a million dollars isn't even that much anymore, thanks to inflation and astronomical health care costs. You'd still have to comparison shop, budget, and keep a boatload of it squirreled away for your dotage.

    That said, I would like a cabin in a secluded wilderness place, a car in which the stupid service engine soon light doesn't come on, and a really awesome Alienware laptop.

    Maybe some nice clothes, first editions, and comic books, too.

    And some beef jerky. Because what is a cabin in the wilderness without beef jerky?

  3. "If I had a million dollars, I'd be rich!!"

    Not enough people quote BNL. I keep thinking of my million dollar lotto ticket, but the trouble with the lotto is you must play to win, and I'm afraid I'll use my beginner's luck on the wrong day.

  4. Wouldn't a horse nanny be called a horny? Just wondering...

  5. JL - that's not boring...that's smart! I'm not so great at financial planning though.
    JAZ - I prefer turkey jerky. Actually, I just like the way it sounds.
    Mir - I've never lotto-ed either. I bought a scratch off once and won $2, so I figured I'd quit while I was ahead.
    Anon - a horny. That's awesome.

  6. I love the part about adopting misplaced gay teenagers. My best friend could've used someone like you 10 years ago when her parents kicked her out after she took a risk and came out.

    What a kind heart.

  7. If I had a million dollars, I'd pay the vet bill...and that's it. Because my vet bill is a million dollars.

    Barring that, I'd get a new MacBook Pro and only let my friends lick it. And maybe I'd hire your special trust to be my personal shopper, because I think your trust should help people who are not as cool as you.


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